He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore