Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
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Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
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THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.