So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.