I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
