you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
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i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Say something about gay babies.
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For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.