It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.