I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
