Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it