I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.