100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.