Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
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Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces