I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
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Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday