Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.