Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life