In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator