in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
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I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
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Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore