I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
would you consider him our boss?
then technically i slept with our boss
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.