My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.