she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried