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There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
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