Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Washington (206)

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  You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

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  The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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  (425): You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy. (206): The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!! http://tfl.nu/5bns
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  I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.

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  (206): I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers. http://tfl.nu/k6c6
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  I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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  (206): I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner http://tfl.nu/6elk
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  I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.

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  (206): I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days. http://tfl.nu/extb
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  I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill

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  (206): I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill http://tfl.nu/rtkb
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  Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed

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  (206): Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed http://tfl.nu/023t
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  What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

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  Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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  (206): What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again? (425): Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing. http://tfl.nu/l4cd
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  alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac

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  (206): alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac http://tfl.nu/kfdr
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  Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.

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  (206): Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me. http://tfl.nu/pgvw
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  I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.

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  (206): I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof. http://tfl.nu/xi8t
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  Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

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  (206): Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial. http://tfl.nu/2fb2
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  Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

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  You're getting good at this, you know that?

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  (206): Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number. (360): You're getting good at this, you know that? http://tfl.nu/w185
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  i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.

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  (206): i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to. http://tfl.nu/oxy7
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  I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.

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  (206): I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night. http://tfl.nu/kkxt
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  The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.

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  (206): The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again. http://tfl.nu/xffh
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