Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
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he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I need moral support for this bender
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I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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