usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me