someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
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Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
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It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me