Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.