Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high