Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I yelled at your uterus for you.