I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.