You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
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I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed