Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
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I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
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You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong