You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The uberlube is also flammable
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away