You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".