Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong