Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
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This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.