I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday