If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers