God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
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There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!