God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
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There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!