Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
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ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
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Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger