Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything