i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
