uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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