I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
