What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
