Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
When are your genitals available?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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