I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
