8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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