I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This beer is not sobering me up at all
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
honey bunches of taint.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.