He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.