The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
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This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
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There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.