I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.