Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea