Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.