I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.