So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
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So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back