I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,