just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.