when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me