Texts From Last Night

Last Night in New Jersey (908)

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  Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.

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  (908): Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder. http://tfl.nu/vsy5
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  his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count

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  (908): his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count http://tfl.nu/l83b
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  It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays

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  (908): It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays http://tfl.nu/4h3r
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  you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

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  (908): you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog http://tfl.nu/njtd
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  how was last night?

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  i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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  (908): how was last night? (1-908): i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me. http://tfl.nu/23nl
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  I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"

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  (908): I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!" http://tfl.nu/rdw8
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  No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

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  (908): No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability. http://tfl.nu/nqzp
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  what if I'm pregnant?

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  smusmorshion

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  (908): what if I'm pregnant? (848): smusmorshion http://tfl.nu/vksj
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  i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy

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  (908): i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy http://tfl.nu/exgt
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  ...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

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  (908): ...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos http://tfl.nu/7o3l
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  You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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  (908): You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream. http://tfl.nu/u0h5
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  You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.

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  (908): You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid. http://tfl.nu/9kqb
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  I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

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  (908): I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator. http://tfl.nu/xdgs
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  Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.

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  (908): Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING. http://tfl.nu/rnks
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  so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.

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  (908): so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy. http://tfl.nu/ocps
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