Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
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how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
what if I'm pregnant?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
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you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.