Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Connecticut (860)

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  I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.

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  (860): I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax. http://tfl.nu/od6q
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  We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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  (860): We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun. http://tfl.nu/8k8b
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  I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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  (860): I smell like Captain Morgan and tears http://tfl.nu/pqes
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  Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.

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  (860): Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV. http://tfl.nu/ridn
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  could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.

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  (860): could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper. http://tfl.nu/svv9
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  Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.

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  (860): Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta. http://tfl.nu/gtno
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  there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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  (860): there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes http://tfl.nu/0fsj
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  i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.

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  (860): i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge. http://tfl.nu/tn6n
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  So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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  (860): So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever. http://tfl.nu/64bh
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  you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.

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  (860): you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you. http://tfl.nu/qv5y
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  I have no recollection of sleep choking you

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  (860): I have no recollection of sleep choking you http://tfl.nu/6fhf
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  I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?

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  (860): I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life? http://tfl.nu/etyc
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  Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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  (860): Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b http://tfl.nu/niwv
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  you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict

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  (860): you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict http://tfl.nu/am6o
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  What did we do last night that was yellow?

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  (860): What did we do last night that was yellow? http://tfl.nu/a1qq
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