I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.