You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dating After Heartbreak
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.