You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
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So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
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Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.