I want her autograph on my taint
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.